I love my home town, I love the closeness I have to my friends and family here, both physically and emotionally. But I yearn to be back in the country I have grown to love so much.
Sometimes I wonder if I have idolised the place in my mind, remembering it as more wonderful than it really was. I am realistic, however, in the idea that I will not be going back to recreate what I had but to start afresh. I'm going to put down new roots and immerse myself fully into a new life away from what I know.
I don't doubt that the bad parts I have tried to wipe from my memory will occur in this new city. The foul smell of fermented tofu and stinky garbage in summer. The bitingly cold winters combined with the Chinese belief that fresh air is essential even in -5 degree winters. The days where I get so sick of being stared at, that all I want to do is lock myself in my room, throw a pillow over my head and never come back out. I know these problems will reoccur and new ones may arise, but I feel confident in the knowledge that at least this time I am better prepared and more resilient that ever before.
The things I look forward to that I know will still be there waiting for me are what keeps me going now. Its what I am working towards. Seeing beautiful Chinese babies, chubby cheeked and wrapped up like mini Michelin men. Crazy cheap but ridiculously tasty street food. Beautifully kept 'ancient' gardens, filled with Chinese tourists, too busy taking photos to notice me people watching.
It is both the good and the bad that I expect to encounter again. But years from now, I have no doubt, it will only be the good that I will remember and cherish so dearly.
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| Barbie, who first taught me how to say 'I love you' in Mandarin, by saying it to me everyday. |
